Our Cherry on top!

 For the last few weeks Xander has been getting so whinny and cries over the smallest things. The only time he is happy is when he is around other kids or his extended family. I have tried and tried for figure out why this is going on and have had no luck. Then about three days ago I sat him down determined to find out what was wrong. Xander told me that he was lonely and needed a friend to play with at his house. We talked about playing with friends and he told me maybe a pet could be his friend. Now most people would think this was a child's ploy to get a pet. However this had never been a discussion before and so my three year old boy had never been told no or yes. Jim and I talked about it and figured since we are having no luck having another child Xander could use a play companion. We were going to go for something small and we looked through a few stores and nothing really popped out at us. As we looked through the second store we laid eyes on a scrawny shaggy little orange kitten.

She was up for adoption from the SPCA and was only three months old. Xander loved her as soon as he laid eyes on her. However if anyone really knows me they know that a cat was the last pet I wanted in my home. Well Xander played in the play area at the store with her and he instantly loved her. He said mom we need to take her home.  Inside me is going really. Of all the pets in the world we are getting a scruffy orange kitten. Well we crossed all our t's and dotted the i's and bought all the necessities and now we have a kitten in our new home. She fits in so well. I never thought I would say I like cats but she and I have become buddies. She loves t cuddle me and she is looking healthier every day. She didn't eat or use the litter box for the first day and I was freaking out. And then day two she did both. Now she is eating and so comfortable here. Xander is happier and didn't whine because he wants to be an example for her. He calls her his baby or his girl and loves to carry her around to show her everything. I have slowly seen improvement and hope to continue.

I feel it is also teaching me a lesson. I have slowly been healing and now I don't cry every time I find out I'm not pregnant  but I still have not figured out how to get over the bitterness that sometimes seems to surround me every time I see someone have another child or announce the are expecting. Now don't get me wrong. I am so excited for these people. The bitterness and anger have been internal. Angry that something is wrong with me. Angry that it for some reason it can't be as easy as it was the first time with Xander. What have I done wrong is constantly circling my mind. But it seems to be easing for two reasons lately. I read something the other day that talked about having healthy relationships. Not because mine aren't but because I was worried about my attitudes affect on those closest to me. I decided, no matter what, I was going to change. The pain can't go away unless I decide to let it and it was not only hurting me but my relationship with my husband and son were starting to feel the pain and they shouldn't have to. So I have been trying to have more patience and do little special things reminding them I love them. It's a long process and I am nowhere near where I want to be but I am starting to feel a difference. The second this is this new kitten in our home. I feel my father in heaven is trying to teach me how to love unconditionally. I'm not a cat person. I still feel I never will be. But here I find myself loving and feeling protective of this baby cat. She loves me too. I feel I am still growing and learning and yes I know it is something as simple and a new pet. I don't know what the years will bring. Whether we will have more children or pets or none.

I do know and am really learning to accept that God works in mysterious ways. His ways are rarely mine but I am glad he helps me find ways to come to terms and accept, not understand but accept and that's enough for now. Someday I am sure I will come to understand and I look forward to that day.